Tay's Anatomy
I hate to blog and here is why. I post a blog about what is going on in my life and I get comments that are so hateful and cruel that I can't bare the thought of reading them. I am fully aware of my grammatical errors and I am truly trying to get better. I am embarrassed sometimes that I don't always know the correct way to punctuate.
I have found myself in a slump over the past few months and I can't seem to get out of it. I have laid in my apartment, defeated, and and when I finally get in front of the computer to put my thoughts out there I read that someone wants to "gut me" and I shut down. I can't even tell you how much that hurts.
I feel like the hate is becoming so much more evident and I don't know what to do. I get up most days and try to not let negative people break my spirit. I love to laugh and smile (not a creepy one, the only one I have, because it is honest). I love to work on this great show and share my experiences thus far but it has finally beaten me. I hear people when they judge me and read about it when they post nasty messages. Today is one of those days when I have had to read about it. I am so sad and upset that I feel like I had to address it. I wish I had thicker skin so that other people's opinions don't affect me, but I don't.
My heart is racing and I am sick to my stomach thinking about everything I have just read. Do you know the feeling you get when you find out your partner is cheating or when you mess up so bad the thought of disappearing seems like your only option? I don't know what to do anymore but I am tired of feeling this way. It seems like no matter what I say or do I am constantly criticized for it. Yes, I take pride in my appearance and like to feel pretty. I am not always successful at it but I try. I don't understand why this is such a bad thing. Why does that make me shallow?
Do you ever regret an impression you have made on people? I'm talking about the kind that makes you look back and wish you had never opened your mouth. Well, over the past year I have been given an amazing opportunity and I feel like I am screwing everything up. I'm so new at this and I work with people who have been doing it forever and they're SO good.
I am not trying to defend myself or come off as a victim as much as I am wanting to open up and grow. I am 23 and feel like the mistakes I make are all learning experiences.
If you look at my childhood you would probably say it seemed ideal. If you got to know me, you would learn that it was just as screwed up and had problems just like anyone else. I have in the past put myself in stupid situations. I have not always had the best judgment. Sometimes I have misunderstood what I'm being told. So what! I am learning from all of it. Find me someone you think is "perfect" and I'll show you someone you don't know very well. We all have flaws. I have plenty. We all have secrets, and quirky qualities but that to me that is what makes people beautiful. I was raised to be self-aware physically and always keep up appearances. I am going through this self discovery and just now realizing that inner beauty lasts so much longer. I have always been weight conscious and insecure about my body. In my defense, find me a 23-year old girl who isn't. I sometimes resent that I have been able to hide behind my appearance and that I haven't had to show people that I have a brain and feelings. Sometimes I blame my parents but they tried their best and now here I am desperately trying to figure all this out on my own. I know that it is much more appealing to be self-deprecating and self-critical. I don't understand that. They say my generation is full of fake self esteem and we have no reason to be proud. Why? Maybe what we lack in self-awareness we make up for in positive attitude. Not just about ourselves but others too. Maybe?
Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who also happens to be somewhat of a mentor. She took the time to explain to me a concept I have been completely clueless about. This was so enlightening that it broke my heart that I had missed this lesson somehow.
When I told her about missing my flight, She said that I should have been at the airport earlier. I said, "Are you serious? It wasn't my fault the parking garage was full and the security line that I was standing in was shut down for 10 minutes so they could inspect a bottle of hairspray!" So, instead of taking responsibility for missing my plane. I was trying to explain to her it wasn't anyone's fault and I was an hour early and I had just run on some bad luck. She stopped to hear me out and listened to me go on and on about the parking and what happened at security. then she asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks. She said, "Is it possible it was your fault?"
It hit me like a ton of bricks. What the hell? Why did I think my justification took away the responsibility and blame? I finally get it. What she said finally clicked for me. It was MY fault. All those other people made the plane. How about a little personal responsibility?
When she finally said, "Taylor, admit it you messed up and you have no excuse for missing the plane," it sounded so negative and I didn't want to hear it. It made me feel like a failure and a disappointment. I think I was reflecting back on all my other screw-ups so it was hard to hear what I realized was the truth.
This doesn't mean I am a bad person, it's just being honest with myself and saying it is no ones fault but my own. I can't always plan for my mistakes but I know now that learning from them means taking full responsibility accepting the consequences. The flight situation was not the biggest deal in the world but I have nearly lost my credibility when it comes to being on time so it was pretty important.
I can't say much more than this today and I am not sure this makes sense but this is what is pressing against my heart so hard that it's all I could write.
Now it's back to the message board for another bashing I'm sure!
-----------Tay
(And yes I can write Tay because that is what my friends call me and I would like to think that the people reading this are just that.)
I hate to blog and here is why. I post a blog about what is going on in my life and I get comments that are so hateful and cruel that I can't bare the thought of reading them. I am fully aware of my grammatical errors and I am truly trying to get better. I am embarrassed sometimes that I don't always know the correct way to punctuate.
I have found myself in a slump over the past few months and I can't seem to get out of it. I have laid in my apartment, defeated, and and when I finally get in front of the computer to put my thoughts out there I read that someone wants to "gut me" and I shut down. I can't even tell you how much that hurts.
I feel like the hate is becoming so much more evident and I don't know what to do. I get up most days and try to not let negative people break my spirit. I love to laugh and smile (not a creepy one, the only one I have, because it is honest). I love to work on this great show and share my experiences thus far but it has finally beaten me. I hear people when they judge me and read about it when they post nasty messages. Today is one of those days when I have had to read about it. I am so sad and upset that I feel like I had to address it. I wish I had thicker skin so that other people's opinions don't affect me, but I don't.
My heart is racing and I am sick to my stomach thinking about everything I have just read. Do you know the feeling you get when you find out your partner is cheating or when you mess up so bad the thought of disappearing seems like your only option? I don't know what to do anymore but I am tired of feeling this way. It seems like no matter what I say or do I am constantly criticized for it. Yes, I take pride in my appearance and like to feel pretty. I am not always successful at it but I try. I don't understand why this is such a bad thing. Why does that make me shallow?
Do you ever regret an impression you have made on people? I'm talking about the kind that makes you look back and wish you had never opened your mouth. Well, over the past year I have been given an amazing opportunity and I feel like I am screwing everything up. I'm so new at this and I work with people who have been doing it forever and they're SO good.
I am not trying to defend myself or come off as a victim as much as I am wanting to open up and grow. I am 23 and feel like the mistakes I make are all learning experiences.
If you look at my childhood you would probably say it seemed ideal. If you got to know me, you would learn that it was just as screwed up and had problems just like anyone else. I have in the past put myself in stupid situations. I have not always had the best judgment. Sometimes I have misunderstood what I'm being told. So what! I am learning from all of it. Find me someone you think is "perfect" and I'll show you someone you don't know very well. We all have flaws. I have plenty. We all have secrets, and quirky qualities but that to me that is what makes people beautiful. I was raised to be self-aware physically and always keep up appearances. I am going through this self discovery and just now realizing that inner beauty lasts so much longer. I have always been weight conscious and insecure about my body. In my defense, find me a 23-year old girl who isn't. I sometimes resent that I have been able to hide behind my appearance and that I haven't had to show people that I have a brain and feelings. Sometimes I blame my parents but they tried their best and now here I am desperately trying to figure all this out on my own. I know that it is much more appealing to be self-deprecating and self-critical. I don't understand that. They say my generation is full of fake self esteem and we have no reason to be proud. Why? Maybe what we lack in self-awareness we make up for in positive attitude. Not just about ourselves but others too. Maybe?
Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who also happens to be somewhat of a mentor. She took the time to explain to me a concept I have been completely clueless about. This was so enlightening that it broke my heart that I had missed this lesson somehow.
When I told her about missing my flight, She said that I should have been at the airport earlier. I said, "Are you serious? It wasn't my fault the parking garage was full and the security line that I was standing in was shut down for 10 minutes so they could inspect a bottle of hairspray!" So, instead of taking responsibility for missing my plane. I was trying to explain to her it wasn't anyone's fault and I was an hour early and I had just run on some bad luck. She stopped to hear me out and listened to me go on and on about the parking and what happened at security. then she asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks. She said, "Is it possible it was your fault?"
It hit me like a ton of bricks. What the hell? Why did I think my justification took away the responsibility and blame? I finally get it. What she said finally clicked for me. It was MY fault. All those other people made the plane. How about a little personal responsibility?
When she finally said, "Taylor, admit it you messed up and you have no excuse for missing the plane," it sounded so negative and I didn't want to hear it. It made me feel like a failure and a disappointment. I think I was reflecting back on all my other screw-ups so it was hard to hear what I realized was the truth.
This doesn't mean I am a bad person, it's just being honest with myself and saying it is no ones fault but my own. I can't always plan for my mistakes but I know now that learning from them means taking full responsibility accepting the consequences. The flight situation was not the biggest deal in the world but I have nearly lost my credibility when it comes to being on time so it was pretty important.
I can't say much more than this today and I am not sure this makes sense but this is what is pressing against my heart so hard that it's all I could write.
Now it's back to the message board for another bashing I'm sure!
-----------Tay
(And yes I can write Tay because that is what my friends call me and I would like to think that the people reading this are just that.)
posted by Taylor at 3:18 PM
248 comments
