Yesterday I decided that I wanted to make some changes and not hide away in my apt. and today I started doing just that. I went to this store called Jean Connection and returned a pair of jeans. The pair I am talking about is the pair Kidd got everyone for Christmas. I absolutely loved the ones he picked out but I have wanted a really dark pair that I could dress up and still keep it casual. The holidays are here and the last thing I am going to do is shop for me as much as I would like to. This was the perfect opportunity to finally get them. The sales girl was so sweet she was picking out all different types and shades. I know she was just being helpful but the truth is when I go shopping I like to keep to myself. I appreciated her efforts but I enjoy taking my time and trying on the same pair 3 different times. I do this with everything I buy to make sure I love it. I made a list today of everything I had already got people and what I needed to still get. My family was easy and I am just about done getting gifts for my lovely co-workers. I lack 2 people and I think I have finally made a decision. Over the break I am hoping to work somewhere part time but now that it is only days away and I would rather not work at all. HMMMM…what to do what to do?? I love the holidays because I get to see my family but then again I always see my family. On my mothers side we are pretty tight knit group and hang out tons but my dads side not so much. I love them but they are scattered all over the place. I haven’t seen most of them in a few years so it’s always a little awkward at first. Thankfully my 2 favorite people will be there to hang out with. Tanner my 20 year old brother and Tyler he is 15. I love them to pieces and we are more than kin we are all 3 friends. Don’t get me wrong we haven’t always been this way there has been some nasty knock down drag out fights but we have all grown up a little since those days. My relationship with Tanner is completely different than Tyler’s and I. Tanner is like the older wiser brother who is simple and honest sometimes he can be authoritative and boss us around but we just laugh. He is pretty country, loves to work out, extremely smart and will help anyone do anything. He doesn’t care what people think and I admire that. I remember one day he pulled up to the house in his truck with gym shorts, cowboy boots, an old t-shirt and camo hat. He’s not a country bumpkin so to speak but he really doesn’t care. Tyler he is sarcastic, sensitive and very creative. We talk about music and his views on life, not to be cheesy but he is 15 so it is really interesting to me to get his opinion. He is one of the funniest people I know he has this very monotone dry sense of humor that I just love. When the 3 of us get together it is the best feeling in the world. Tonight is Al’s birthday and we are all going to Primo’s at 6 this should make for a great evening. They make the best margaritas and Tuesday is half price which is always a great thing in my book!

It’s funny how some people you meet along the way stay in your life and some just pass by for only a moment. In the past few days my ex Jessie called, and so did Charlie who I met about 5 years ago. Charlie is in Seminary and he is doing great. Jessie on the other hand was a bit of a mess. He told me he still cared about me and that no matter how tough he has been acting he wanted me to know it was a front and he hopes that maybe one day we could work it out. Okay first of all NO WAY. I have never been so happy in my life and when I think of what I have experienced as far as pain goes he was there to make it worse. I was however happy to hear he is finally sober. I remember early mornings of sitting through countless AA meetings. I would find ways to incorporate his 30 day sobriety coin. I would tape it to the mirror or put a hole in it attached to a chain so he could wear it around his neck. It wasn’t ever going to work unless he wanted it and no matter what I did it would never work without him trying. Well it has taken a few years but I can honestly say that I am okay with not being a part of it just as long as he is. I have finally fought my addiction which was Jessie.

Lindsey and I went to dinner at Nate’s and had the best time catching up. She and I have one of those friendships that can go a few weeks with out hanging out or talking daily. We couldn’t get over how many of our friends and by that I mean sorority sisters are engaged or married. I don’t know diamond shapes and she already has hers picked out cut, band, platinum the whole thing. Lindsey is great because I can always trust her and I don’t feel judged. I have felt like Taylor these past few weeks has become so involved with Jason that she forgot about her best friend. Jason is moving here at the end of December and I know that means no more Tay Squared. I want her to be happy so if he is the one. I support that even though it means we don’t hang out near as much. We went from pizza and movie night followed by some drinks out and about to texting once a week. I have only a small group of friends and that’s by choice but lately I have felt so alone. I wish I had someone that I could go run errands with during the day. Someone who appreciates music the way I do someone that can teach me new things and someone who I can laugh with. I know this sounds like I am talking about a guy and in a way I am but I am also talking about a girlfriend emphasis on friend. I love meeting new people and it hasn’t happened in so long. I have met only 1 person that I can be completely open with and I can’t even spend much time with them. Why do I get withdrawn? Why don’t I trust many people? I’m ready to change a few things so to start I will change my daily routine. I hide for a few hours followed by dwelling and then after a nap I will pull myself out of my apt. and hopefully my ADD medicine is still working so I can accomplish 2 out of the 3 things I have scheduled. How can I contribute anything great when I just read and hide? I told Lindsey at dinner to please help me get out more and don’t even give me the opportunity to say no.

Monday I made a decision based on the beautiful weather that I was going to drive and see where I ended up. I finally snap out of my haze and realize I am in Denton. I stop in Target to wonder around for absolutely no reason. Nothing interesting about that until I get to the part about me not being in any place to be spending money other than on bills and I have rationalized and justified me buying a new sweater at the Gap. Lame the Gap I know but it’s great for oversized sweaters usually on sale. I start heading out of Denton and stop in Lewisville. Have I ever mentioned my love for office supplies? I bought a binder, college rule paper, and dividers. I don’t know for what reason so I made one and it is now my new show idea binder/movie reviews/ blog/ to do list. Let me skip to the beginning where I called my mom and she said she felt anxious so I picked her up and went with her to the bank. Tempted to ask for money I decided not to because apparently 22 and poor builds character. I am not upset about it I mean I don’t like it but I really want to do this on my own.It was so great to see her she has been gone for 2 weeks and now that she is back I see that she needs to eat something. I worry sometimes but I trust she knows what too thin looks like. Okay this is a schedule and it’s lame so I am going to stop.

Something I thought about while I was driving:
If you judge me as being a girl without depth and substance well then I don’t blame you. I take full responsibility for being guarded and allowing myself to take the easy blonde joke. I hate that about myself more than anything. If people don’t expect much from you then there isn’t much of a chance that you will disappoint them or disappoint yourself. I am afraid of being figured out yet I want people to know me. I came to the conclusion that I am extremely contradicting. I am an organized mess, responsibly irresponsible, an honest liar, predictably unpredictable, and an open book that only 1 person has read. I am terrified of judgment and fear rejection. I am ready to start opening up and express who it is that I am not what people perceive me to be. I have been so concerned with being relatable that I now more than anything want to shed that image me. I don’t know where I was going with all this but when I sat at my computer it’s what started to come out